I love sharing with many married couples about my findings to see if my observations are true.
Several times, the ladies will exclaim “Yes! That is so true!”
Some are cool cats and don’t exclaim as loudly but they agree that that is somewhat how women operate.
“Your wife doesn’t need you to listen all the time. (Wife’s head bobs forward)
She wants you to listen carefully when it counts. (Heads nod)”
And most of the time, you just need to get the gist of the whole story and catch hold of what she’s trying to say to you. *MEGA HINT* You are allowed to miss it 8 out of 10 times but you must get it right for at least 2 times.
Believe me, she will surely leave loads of signals and hints for you. So it is up to you to know what she is pitching.
(Runs to 1st base)
She feels resentful towards you for not giving her the attention or not listening to her or tending to her emotions. Your input, suggestion(s) or your analysis DOES NOT matter. (Seriously it doesn’t mean shit right from the beginning anyway)
(Runs to 2nd Base)
With manly understanding, you are able to regurgitate with her situation and emotions that she has shared for the past 10 times. You score.
(All bases loaded)
Finally, you reply that you understand where she is coming from and acknowledge her efforts. She has done her best despite all the hardships thrown at her. Give her a pat on the back.
She will realise that you have been listening to her all this time and you actually understand and respect her as a wife. (Home Run)
The key is to acknowledge her issue she is talking about and compliment on her actions.
You will make her realise all this time spent talking to you wasn’t a waste of time at all.
Your value increases.
She will value your (future) suggestions more.
She will give more attention to you as you have to her.
I find this skill the most important for men especially for those who are married because they lack a certain amount of attention towards their wives, this (lack of attention) is the most destructive thing in a relationship.
I wish to impart what I’ve learned regarding listening to women and how women speak.
Women do not speak honestly all the time and it’s time to know that.
So when does the woman speak honestly? What happens is that when they speak, they tend to speak in phases.
Huh? What are tou talking about?
Carry on reading.
They can speak in 5 to 10 sentences in one phase.
(This differs between individuals but trackable with your own experience).
– subject (with emotions)
– context (with emotions)
- Interjection or conclusion (with emotions)
None of what they said bore any real meaning.
With that said, women speak up to release emotions. It is a therapeutic act.
Now, you can pick up the topic and context very quickly. But the skill to get the emotional reasoning takes practise.
If you are able to get past the numerous phases and pick out the emotions, you will be able to see some honesty between the lines. These, are the golden nuggets in a woman’s heart.
What I’m going to share from here on, are going to get a little technical and I really want to get this through to you guys.
Let’s say, she usually speaks in 5 sentences within a single phase. Out of the 5 sentences, there is only one sentence that she wants you to listen to.
What about the other four sentences?
She is speaking to herself. Sometimes she’s just saying how stupid she was, she resents that she has to go jogging or she helped a friend. Sometimes she is just releasing her emotions. All these are not meant for you.
Level 1
You must always listen to every first and last sentence of each phase. Anything in between, you don’t have to take much notice. This rule is non negotiable.
Learn to count how many sentences in a phase. It helps a lot!
Learn what is the subject she is trying to convey. (Now don’t roll your eye at me, its not that simple)
Level 2
You shall learn to listen to every first 3-5 words of each sentence. You shall learn to pick out one middle word.
You need to understand that women are not stupid.
They are extremely smart but they need to speak out (rhetorically) so that they can process their thoughts – This part always stumps men because we are wired differently.
They don’t need us to help them fix their problems.
What usually happens is that they will blabber – for a good reason, but to us – it does not make sense at all.
You have to accept that this is their way of communication and you have to accept that not many things make sense to you. That is why acceptance in the relationship is so important.
When they have only one sentence in a phase, single out the words that mean a lot to her. Learn her vocab, the trigger phrases.
Those words should mean a lot to us as well.
Because it will help you when she has a meltdown.
There will be a day where she WILL have a meltdown, it is your job to help her, comfort her and to lift her up.
Example:
Do you know how tiring it has been for me in this world for the past few months?
I have been helping my colleagues, my boss, just as well as the people around me even my family members!
Things are really not looking good for me.. Do you know that so-and-so person did “this and this” to me and that person said “that and that” about me and
I felt so that so lousy! I could have done my job so much better if it wasn’t for these people this in my life that is trying to get me down, and I don’t want all these things to happen. But it just so happens.
And the family problem just pile up one by one after another. I seriously do not know what to do you see so, and so these relatives did this and this to my mother……..
It is interesting how men may find it all frivolous. We do not have the patience to listen to all of it.
But to your wife/GF, these are things that made them unhappy. If they are unhappy, they won’t make you happy.
So right now I am going to tell you to pick up those golden nuggets in those phases.
This is one of the most powerful skills that you will attain. If you work hard to figure out and practice this skill, it will definitely benefit your relationship
Golden Nuggets
When a woman speaks, you don’t have to listen to everything she says. But you have to pick up particular words and emotions where they seem more emotional or more focused on you.
Firstly, your body language.
You should never allow your partner’s face out of your sight. You can face (roughly) in another direction as long as you can still see her face from the corner of your eye.
You do not have to look at her constantly, neither she doesn’t expect you to look at her all the time.
The secret to pleasing her during the conversation is when you don’t have to look at her, yet knowing when to locate her when she says the most important things. There are things that she wants you to hear and on other phases she just wants to let it out.
All these are difficult in the beginning and you will have to beat it into yourself until it becomes muscle memory.
You will say it is too difficult and time consuming. But if you can master the skill, you will have the most beneficial relationship in your life and she will probably be the happiest woman. It is all entirely up to you.
With all these said, I still stand by the fact that nothing is foolproof, you don’t get to win all the time. But you surely can lessen your fights by at least 20% in a year.
Measure your failure rate
You cannot measure the love you have in the relationship but you definitely can track the disagreement or fight rates in a year.
For example, I measure my relationship using 365 days metric.
Sometimes by 30 days, I need to monitor some anomaly. This practice itself is very powerful because it gives you a good gauge on how much you are invested into this relationship and where are you now.
So for example, if you are fighting with your partner for 150 days within a year. It is a fight every freaking 2.4 days!
You’ve gotta let it go.
“But I love him/her so much!”
Errr no, you’re too invested into the person but unfortunately, the other party doesn’t feel the same. There are some very devastating consequences that will follow if you were to hold on to it.
If you guys fight once every 3 days, then that is 10 fights in a month. Not including the hours of torturous struggles in 1 fight. (Which we will calculate the next time)
Anything between 8-10 fights in a month. I will advise the couple to let go.
Measuring your failure rate is particularly for people who are interested in a long term regulated relationship.
So let’s get back to the skill.
Pick up artist
If I can listen to your partner’s 10 phases and tell what she actually meant and wants from you, then you can do it too! It’s not even a blind shot. It’s a skill, not a talent.
You have to learn how to see the positive end of your woman talking.
Learning to pick up the words that have meaning to her is your goal.
You may find it hard at first. But as communication goes along, you will find out that your conversation with her will get better.
You should have the consciousness to understand her perspective, where she’s coming from, her emotions and expressions whenever she is letting it all out towards you.
You say it best, when you say nothing at all
Do you know what is the most important part of the whole conversation?
Is that she doesn’t require you to answer her right away or even come up with any solutions for her.
She just wants you to listen. She just wants to speak out.
There will be times where she will seek your input and, that is where you can give and offer your solutions. But that doesn’t mean that she has to take it up.
You’ve got to remember that it is not because she is not listening to you. It is just that she has her own way of settling her problems.
Please do not take it personally if she doesn’t bite whatever you have said. Remember that whenever you have something to offer, she is very happy to listen but that doesn’t mean that she is obligated to take action according to your terms.
I have to repeat this again and again because things will go downhill very quickly if we are ruled by our manly emotions and ego.
As a rule of thumb I would like to offer you some advice. You should employ a 80/20 rule.
Out of 10 times, you listen 8 times and offer advice 2 times.
When do you do that?
You do it when there is an opening. NOT when she is in the middle of her story and emotions.
Allow her to finish her story, voice out everything and let her stand up on her own. When she has simmered down, that is where you can offer a slight bit of the advice. If she rejects, stay back and say no more because she is not ready for it.
You will slowly get to understand what her temperaments and acceptance rates are.
For the 38 kind
I have to say that this method is for women who love to talk. Women who can fully express themselves easily and do not need you to lead them into any rhetorical explanation.
For this particular type, you need not speak much because when she is done with her speech, she will ask for whatever that she needs from you. Unless you feel that she is going around in circles and not expressing herself as accurately as she normally does. Then you will have to be extra careful and catch her before she does that. Because it would be a great waste of time if she goes in circles.
I would also like to advise that you should keep time on how long the whole conversation goes (Although it is not a 2 way conversation, it is just her speaking)
For this type of women, I would stay quiet, nod my head and agree with her. Do take note that her phase may be double a normal person. That means the normal 10 phases may be 30.
Still the 80/20 rule applies. Listen for 80%, talk or offer your suggestions for 20%. She will appreciate you more and if you can engage in her conversations, your value will rise even more. She will appreciate that you can be more social with her during discussions, but you have to detach from her emotions. Why?
What happens is that she appreciate you as a partner and she trusts you enough to talk about her inner secrets or thoughts, she does not need anyone to criticize the way she thinks.
As said before, your job is not to fix her or correct her. Your job is to stay, protect, comfort and stand by her. I always tell people that your time with loved ones isn’t as long you think. So you should keep your best advice for your partner and not for everyone else.
Think clearly and deeply why your partner will share things with you.
For the quiet kind
For more introverted women, I think that you might have a higher chance of hitting the mark. Because introverted women will try to use the right words or sentences before presenting their thoughts, they are slightly more careful in crafting whatever they want to express.
I think it is wonderful that they try to internalize the dialogue before speaking out, due to being afraid of looking or sounding stupid.
Women who tend to listen and have high empathy are more likely be listening than speaking. This is where the guys who have better communication and interview skills need to come in. You will need to ask leading questions to clarify what they are thinking and seek more information like a detective.
We are not looking into all types of women. We are just talking about two general types of partners we usually have.
Why is she talking to you?
Attention – this is the main reason why she is talking to you in the first place. To gain your attention, she has nothing to gain from you if you are a huge wall. She is talking to you because she loves you and she simply wants you to be the one who is listening and giving her the attention.
“But I don’t think our communication is that wonderful…”
Then would you be happier if she gave her time and wonderful conversation to other people, her friends, colleagues or some other guy friends?
You have to understand one very important thing. She could have shared her inner secret with any other person or guy.
But she chose you!
I do not want you to spiral down into your inefficient inadequate self esteem and think that she is trying to pick a fight with you.
You are having one of the most beautiful conversations that you could have with your loved one. So do not throw this chance away.
I hope you catch my drift.